What have you lost along the way?

I've noticed that as I've gained more weight and lost more of my self-confidence, I tend to dress differently to the way I did when I was thinner.

As a child, my weight issue began because my endocrine system was damaged by well meaning doctors who had no idea what the medication they gave me would do to the body of a child.  Luckily though, my weight was considered "voluptuous" as a teenager and I dress in a way that made me feel good.  I loved to look pretty so I would make an effort to do my hair, put make up on, wear things that made me feel good about myself and finally, I would don my accessories and be on my merry way.

As a young adult, although heavier than my teen years, I would still make the effort.  But then life got in the way.

I got married, had a baby and, WAM, I got hit with a really bad dose of Postpartum Psychosis.  Everything went to hell in a hand basket.  I couldn't be bothered.  My son screamed for 12 hours at night so my husband and I walked around looking and feeling like zombies during the day ... my husband went off to work and I stayed home with my son.  He didn't sleep much during the day either, by the way.  So I pretty much looked like I'd been dragged through a bush repeatedly ... and honestly?  I really didn't care.

But, that phase passed and our boy got older and, eventually, started sleeping at night.  The damage was already done though.  I was putting on weight at an alarming rate, was still tired all the time and no longer felt pretty, or sexy, or desirable.  And it showed on the outside too.

I no longer made an effort with my hair, or my make up and for some bizarre reason designers don't seem to think fat people deserve pretty clothes ... it's almost as if they're punishing us for being fat.  And that's sad.  I've also noticed that my self image is strongly driven by my weight.  When I've lost weight, I feel better about myself and tend to make more of an effort.  When I gain weight I tend to feel like a fraud if I dress up.  So yet again, I stop trying.  As time has passed and I've gained more weight I've lost the image of a "pretty" me along the way.

What have you lost along the way?

The Slender Goddess, :)

Cape Town